in loving memory of ann

i just found out via facebook that an old friend, someone suffering from an eating disorder, passed away. this basically rips my heart out....even though i know she is finally at peace.

in my notifications it told me it was her birthday today, so i went to her page to wish her a happy birthday. she never responded much when i wrote to her, but that was okay because i knew she read it. i saw on her wall many postings from numerous friends and family that she had passed a few months ago.

when i was in the hospital with her years ago, i remember her as being a lot like me. quiet, quirky, a little awkward, and eager. i always painted when i was in the hospital and i remember she asked me to paint a sign that said "dangerous curves ahead" for her. we talked some on instant messenger and via email after we were both discharged. she was an incredibly special and intuitive person. she was BEAUTIFUL, FUNNY, and SMART.

i am so happy to know she is finally at peace. i think she's struggled a lot in the years since we were hospitalized together.

it's selfish of me to write this next part, but i think i need to. i hate that i'm struggling. i hate that i didn't talk to her more recently than in the past year or year and a half. i feel ashamed that i've been having my own meager difficulties when a friend has DIED of her illness. i hate the illness that killed her, and i hate the decades of pain she suffered before she found peace. i hate that me sitting here sobbing won't actually fix me, either. i'm sure i will find a meaningful and strong way of looking at this, but for right now it just feels so raw and i'm filled with hatred.

i hope people tell their loved ones how much they are loved today.

happy birthday, ann. many, many people whose lives you touched are missing you today, and fighting in your honor.