Logical Progressions

i just finished watching the entirety of the series "Lost" on netflix. i didn't think i'd like it; wes convinced me to give it a try. i really enjoyed the first season most of all; the classic "stranded on a deserted island" theme was my favorite, as opposed to the sci-fi stuff and the weird conspiracy junk (which was nonetheless entertaining). i really grew to care about the characters, so i will miss them in addition to the constant guessing games and theorizations. while the ending wasn't the best, i was honestly expecting much worse. i did find the entire 6th season to be a pretty subpar showing, but the finale did as good as job as it could to bring the story to a resolute close. i prefer that over something shocking or jarringly tragic---which no doubt would have been a "better" ending to many fans.

radiohead released a new album this past week. it was a surprise to even die-hard fans (i would classify myself as such). it didn't seem like anyone knew they were recording, and i'm sure that was all a part of the plan. the mp3 version of the album can be purchased on http://www.radiohead.com/deadairspace/, with more deluxe versions to be released in march and may. i was THRILLED and kind of stunned by this release. for several weeks leading up to this news, i'd coincidentally been listening to radiohead EXCLUSIVELY during workouts and house cleaning and other times when i really savor music. i can't say anything that hasn't already been said about their music, but it has meant a LOT to me over the years. each song elicits sooo many emotions, memories, and raw feelings. i remember the first radiohead song i ever heard; it was paranoid android. it was an mp3 i downloaded [illegally] then deleted after listening, then downloaded it again because i needed to hear more. it scared me and excited me. i was shocked that an artist could put forth such an incredible display of things that i felt i was ALONE in feeling. listening to radiohead has always been a catharsis, and they are the artist i've listened to continuously for the longest amount of time. it seems like the sentiment from both reviews of their new work and from the group themselves is that this album is a "logical progression." i can't really fully enjoy or judge the new stuff until time has passed and i can associate my own feelings with the songs. i think that's kinda how it's meant to be.

i'm doing ok. it's been about a month and a half since i stopped working. i've done a lot of thinking in that time. too much thinking, i'm sure. but it's definitely helped to adopt a routine and be able to reinforce it. i've felt a little relief from negative self-talk the past couple of weeks. i stay very busy and am able to do things i enjoy, plus work on coping mechanisms for when i encounter bumps in the road. i experienced pretty extreme mood swings practically hourly for the first month or so, but now i feel more secure. that being said, i'm still scared about what my next move should be and scared of making mistakes. while i'm nowhere near as sick as i was over five years ago, i do feel like i'm not myself and like this may stick around for awhile, unfortunately. daily i toss around the compulsion to get a job ASAP and try to decide where and weigh other options and job listings. it wears me out, which leads me to believe i'm taking a slightly obsessive approach. that's an indication that i probably should hold off awhile longer.

a few weeks ago i was contacted by someone i used to know years ago. she was a mentor to me. she was also a professor i had in school. she was very supportive throughout the years when other "supports" came and went. we fell out of touch about the time i was at my worst. i spoke to her on the phone last night after not speaking to her in probably about 6 years. i've healed so much during my recovery, but have still had nightmares about joplin/school-era things for several nights in a row. so i think it's still unhealthy for me to have direct links to the past like that, although that's hard for me to admit. it was nice to talk to her and exchange email addresses and pictures, etc, however.

i feel like this "list" of odds and ends reveals that i'm in a sort of limbo right now. i'm not sure what will happen next. but after looking at these few examples (some only figurative), i believe the summation of them all seems to indicate a "logical progression" of my own. some progress is better than none, and maybe i should give myself a wee bit of credit for each little battle i fight and each little stake i win.

healthiest versus unhealthiest restaurants

here are an interesting (and surprising) couple of articles:

america's top 10 (healthiest) chain restaurants:

http://health.msn.com/nutrition/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100235019&GT1=31036

and the 15 most unhealthy american restaurants:

http://health.msn.com/nutrition/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100235017&GT1=31036

it's shocking to read some of the calorie counts on the entrees at places like applebee's. also shocking to see that mcdonald's, taco bell, wendy's etc (who get such a bad rap!) are on the good list.

i am by no means a health nut, but eating THOUSANDS of calories in one entree or one shake or one appetizer is just plain ol' disturbing!

i'm really quite pro-fast food (like i always say, excess in moderation is a necessity for human beings) and i actually have to say i find it annoying when people blame fast food for all the evils of the world. if people are even a tiny bit as active as they should be, fast food won't hurt them.

anyway, i love food and restaurants and i thought these were interesting.....

it is national eating disorders awareness week....

this is an email i received nearly 3 years ago from the family members of someone i was hospitalized for a prolonged period of time with in 2005. i had only about 4 months of recovery at the time.



Laura ###### passed away 5/16/06‏

This is from Lar's Mom & Dad to let the folks within her e-mail address book know that she passed away from a massive heart attack this past Tuesday morning. As you know, Lar struggled with her eating disorder and it ultimately took her from us. Recently, she again lost weight and was about to give her two week notice at work, as her Mom was going to take Lar to our St. Clair farm for weight restoration this summer. Lar was looking forward to this.

We are told she did not suffer, that she was probably gone before she hit the ground. For that we are grateful.

Lar suffered enough the past six years and she is now with the Lord and at peace. Lar was committed in her faith and was not, at all afraid to die, in fact she knew and appreciated the thought of everlasting peace. She no longer is fighting the eating disorder (ED) demons.

This disease is still a mystery to many of us. I know that some of you receiving this knew Lar through this connection and to those of you that continue to fight ED, our thoughts and prayers go to you and your families. Never, ever down play the seriousness of ED. We wish each of you the best of luck, but it's not luck, but rather hard work, accountability and making the right choices to kill or control ED, and only you can do that.

Remember Lar and say a prayer for her. She was a very, very special person, friend and daughter. She will be missed, but she is in a place with eternal peace and happiness and no ED to be found. We both look forward to seeing her again some day and her beautiful smile.

Per Lar's wishes she was cremated. At this time there are no set plans for a memorial, perhaps sometime in the future.