Logical Progressions

i just finished watching the entirety of the series "Lost" on netflix. i didn't think i'd like it; wes convinced me to give it a try. i really enjoyed the first season most of all; the classic "stranded on a deserted island" theme was my favorite, as opposed to the sci-fi stuff and the weird conspiracy junk (which was nonetheless entertaining). i really grew to care about the characters, so i will miss them in addition to the constant guessing games and theorizations. while the ending wasn't the best, i was honestly expecting much worse. i did find the entire 6th season to be a pretty subpar showing, but the finale did as good as job as it could to bring the story to a resolute close. i prefer that over something shocking or jarringly tragic---which no doubt would have been a "better" ending to many fans.

radiohead released a new album this past week. it was a surprise to even die-hard fans (i would classify myself as such). it didn't seem like anyone knew they were recording, and i'm sure that was all a part of the plan. the mp3 version of the album can be purchased on http://www.radiohead.com/deadairspace/, with more deluxe versions to be released in march and may. i was THRILLED and kind of stunned by this release. for several weeks leading up to this news, i'd coincidentally been listening to radiohead EXCLUSIVELY during workouts and house cleaning and other times when i really savor music. i can't say anything that hasn't already been said about their music, but it has meant a LOT to me over the years. each song elicits sooo many emotions, memories, and raw feelings. i remember the first radiohead song i ever heard; it was paranoid android. it was an mp3 i downloaded [illegally] then deleted after listening, then downloaded it again because i needed to hear more. it scared me and excited me. i was shocked that an artist could put forth such an incredible display of things that i felt i was ALONE in feeling. listening to radiohead has always been a catharsis, and they are the artist i've listened to continuously for the longest amount of time. it seems like the sentiment from both reviews of their new work and from the group themselves is that this album is a "logical progression." i can't really fully enjoy or judge the new stuff until time has passed and i can associate my own feelings with the songs. i think that's kinda how it's meant to be.

i'm doing ok. it's been about a month and a half since i stopped working. i've done a lot of thinking in that time. too much thinking, i'm sure. but it's definitely helped to adopt a routine and be able to reinforce it. i've felt a little relief from negative self-talk the past couple of weeks. i stay very busy and am able to do things i enjoy, plus work on coping mechanisms for when i encounter bumps in the road. i experienced pretty extreme mood swings practically hourly for the first month or so, but now i feel more secure. that being said, i'm still scared about what my next move should be and scared of making mistakes. while i'm nowhere near as sick as i was over five years ago, i do feel like i'm not myself and like this may stick around for awhile, unfortunately. daily i toss around the compulsion to get a job ASAP and try to decide where and weigh other options and job listings. it wears me out, which leads me to believe i'm taking a slightly obsessive approach. that's an indication that i probably should hold off awhile longer.

a few weeks ago i was contacted by someone i used to know years ago. she was a mentor to me. she was also a professor i had in school. she was very supportive throughout the years when other "supports" came and went. we fell out of touch about the time i was at my worst. i spoke to her on the phone last night after not speaking to her in probably about 6 years. i've healed so much during my recovery, but have still had nightmares about joplin/school-era things for several nights in a row. so i think it's still unhealthy for me to have direct links to the past like that, although that's hard for me to admit. it was nice to talk to her and exchange email addresses and pictures, etc, however.

i feel like this "list" of odds and ends reveals that i'm in a sort of limbo right now. i'm not sure what will happen next. but after looking at these few examples (some only figurative), i believe the summation of them all seems to indicate a "logical progression" of my own. some progress is better than none, and maybe i should give myself a wee bit of credit for each little battle i fight and each little stake i win.

in a state of upheaval....

i've been an emotional trainwreck today. but it's for something GOOD, not something BAD. i love my job and couldn't be much happier with it, but i am a big believer that things happen for a reason and well, something big happened.

last night i was closing at work. the hot case was closed; it's kind of crunch time because we don't have many customers but are deep in the looooong list of closing things that has to be done and done perfectly every single night. this list of responsibilities (i think of it affectionately as my ball and chain) can be quite daunting at times, but not so much when we have enough help. a customer came up to me and needed something sliced. after some delightful small talk, she revealed to me that she has "noticed my work ethic" from the entire time i worked at mcdonald's and also now at walmart. she runs the accounting dept. at the biggest car dealership in the area and they had an opening for a position and she said if i was interested i should come see her.

WOW.

so it's pretty much an offer i can't refuse or pass up. this is what people dream about. not to mention that it's probably the greatest compliment i could imagine.

i've been crying and really heartbroken all day, but i think a little time will help. after all, this only emerged about 24 hours ago and if nothing else it's definitely a shock.

i love my job at walmart so much, and i feel like (after nearly 10 months), i've come into my own. carved a niche. i'm really comfortable and i love and care about the people i work closely with, and have even become friends with other coworkers that i'm not around a lot. i usually take a lot of time to achieve that; the same timeframe at mcdonald's. i am proficient at the ins and outs of the job now, and i am confident. also major for me. so now i have to say goodbye to all of it.

i'm considering working a couple nights for a small number of hours @ walmart, but i don't know if it will work out or not. i'm leaning towards not, unfortunately. i wish i could do both, but with 40 hours at the new job i'm afraid i would struggle.

after a LOT of counsel with a lot of friends and family members today, i'm feeling a bit better. we'll see how tomorrow goes!

thoughts on my recent struggles

for probably the past six months or so, i have been struggling with disordered eating in one capacity or another. not like i did years ago, but enough for the snowball effect to take place and the instability to cause a lot of uncomfortable things in my life despite my every effort to ward it off. as i have said before, i think this was entirely due to my former job at mcdonald's. although i loved it for what it was, i can't believe i actually allowed myself to stick with it after i had clear signs that it was making me sick again. i was to the point of having to stop working altogether. and, what is worse is that i believed it was something wrong with ME. and that i couldn't handle stress. i know that i can handle a great deal of stress, but not INHUMANE stress. the adjustment to the new job was very hard also, at a time when i was having difficulty even going out in public. yeah. that bad. but i think things happen for a reason.

i've settled into the new job quite nicely i think. i may be transferring to a different section of walmart but for the purposes of this entry, i am only now able to notice just how much better i am mentally and emotionally. still in the process of recooping lost progress, and still having issues with the disordered eating, but i'm in the swing of managing it. and i see how close i was to being ill again.

the point of this? i just have been introspective today about how much i love wes. he has been my hero, even when it has been unpleasant: leaving me notes in the mornings before i went to work (saying everything was going to be ok), letting me call him at work if i was upset, instituting a food routine and a sleep routine, and above all else making me laugh no matter what. i love him and he is my everything.

update: wes says he would much rather have his ranch dressing that i forgot to buy the other day when i went grocery shopping than a blog thanking him for loving me. :D

i'm glad to be closer to being on the right foot again.

new job/horizons.....

i had a SUPERB day. i feel so victorious right now. i have been trying to get a job more suited to my personal makeup for nearly a year, and it has been difficult. as of late i have been struggling a lot. it's been the buildup from the current job at mcd's. my depression has been bothersome and of course i've been freaked out by the fact that i was struggling also.......which compounded the misery. and wes has been helping me in every little sweet way imaginable. he really is a godsend and he makes me laugh when things are bleak. i love him so much, and i know he loves me even in less than flattering times too. he really has pulled me through this, to the point that i shouldn't be taking credit at all.

so i've been apprehensive, more like TERRIFIED because walmart finally hired me and i haven't felt able to take on this challenge lately. well, after a few days of really trying and working on my stubborn mind, i got myself in decent shape for my first day and it went great. it was just orientation, but i feel so psyched about it that i can't wait to finish my 2 weeks at mcd's and power full steam ahead at walmart. i'm going to work both a little bit until next week.

i'm not going to be self conscious about projecting what the world may be thinking about/sneezing at my little conquest; i am warding off thinking that everyone might look down at me for celebrating this. or for working at walmart period. or for working at mcdonald's. but i don't care, i'm just so darn proud of myself and thankful to wes for helping me get into a positive mindset and get me in there so i could see how much better it is going to be. i went from being a career person and super duper college phenom to a clean slate (by choice) to trying to find a first job. i'm proud of that. then i kept it up when most people would have given up, and i think i let myself get close to being slightly sick again. now i have a boost of energy and positivity and i think it's going to help me. so i'm working on this new challenge even though it's harder for me right now than it normally would be. and i'm proud of that.

thanks out there to eveyone who has given me advice and comforting suggestions and reassurances this whole time.

going to keep putting one foot in front of the other. i'm grateful.

what a funny pic of an excited me.........