Logical Progressions

i just finished watching the entirety of the series "Lost" on netflix. i didn't think i'd like it; wes convinced me to give it a try. i really enjoyed the first season most of all; the classic "stranded on a deserted island" theme was my favorite, as opposed to the sci-fi stuff and the weird conspiracy junk (which was nonetheless entertaining). i really grew to care about the characters, so i will miss them in addition to the constant guessing games and theorizations. while the ending wasn't the best, i was honestly expecting much worse. i did find the entire 6th season to be a pretty subpar showing, but the finale did as good as job as it could to bring the story to a resolute close. i prefer that over something shocking or jarringly tragic---which no doubt would have been a "better" ending to many fans.

radiohead released a new album this past week. it was a surprise to even die-hard fans (i would classify myself as such). it didn't seem like anyone knew they were recording, and i'm sure that was all a part of the plan. the mp3 version of the album can be purchased on http://www.radiohead.com/deadairspace/, with more deluxe versions to be released in march and may. i was THRILLED and kind of stunned by this release. for several weeks leading up to this news, i'd coincidentally been listening to radiohead EXCLUSIVELY during workouts and house cleaning and other times when i really savor music. i can't say anything that hasn't already been said about their music, but it has meant a LOT to me over the years. each song elicits sooo many emotions, memories, and raw feelings. i remember the first radiohead song i ever heard; it was paranoid android. it was an mp3 i downloaded [illegally] then deleted after listening, then downloaded it again because i needed to hear more. it scared me and excited me. i was shocked that an artist could put forth such an incredible display of things that i felt i was ALONE in feeling. listening to radiohead has always been a catharsis, and they are the artist i've listened to continuously for the longest amount of time. it seems like the sentiment from both reviews of their new work and from the group themselves is that this album is a "logical progression." i can't really fully enjoy or judge the new stuff until time has passed and i can associate my own feelings with the songs. i think that's kinda how it's meant to be.

i'm doing ok. it's been about a month and a half since i stopped working. i've done a lot of thinking in that time. too much thinking, i'm sure. but it's definitely helped to adopt a routine and be able to reinforce it. i've felt a little relief from negative self-talk the past couple of weeks. i stay very busy and am able to do things i enjoy, plus work on coping mechanisms for when i encounter bumps in the road. i experienced pretty extreme mood swings practically hourly for the first month or so, but now i feel more secure. that being said, i'm still scared about what my next move should be and scared of making mistakes. while i'm nowhere near as sick as i was over five years ago, i do feel like i'm not myself and like this may stick around for awhile, unfortunately. daily i toss around the compulsion to get a job ASAP and try to decide where and weigh other options and job listings. it wears me out, which leads me to believe i'm taking a slightly obsessive approach. that's an indication that i probably should hold off awhile longer.

a few weeks ago i was contacted by someone i used to know years ago. she was a mentor to me. she was also a professor i had in school. she was very supportive throughout the years when other "supports" came and went. we fell out of touch about the time i was at my worst. i spoke to her on the phone last night after not speaking to her in probably about 6 years. i've healed so much during my recovery, but have still had nightmares about joplin/school-era things for several nights in a row. so i think it's still unhealthy for me to have direct links to the past like that, although that's hard for me to admit. it was nice to talk to her and exchange email addresses and pictures, etc, however.

i feel like this "list" of odds and ends reveals that i'm in a sort of limbo right now. i'm not sure what will happen next. but after looking at these few examples (some only figurative), i believe the summation of them all seems to indicate a "logical progression" of my own. some progress is better than none, and maybe i should give myself a wee bit of credit for each little battle i fight and each little stake i win.

when i'm feeling down, he makes me smile....

i had a bit of a mood dip earlier this evening, not for any reason in particular. but when wes got home from work, he made me feel better just by being here. making me laugh. i read a blog entry (that of my dear wonderful bethany) touching on the subject of the song of she and her mate. so i thought i would post ours.

although wes and i share a mutual enthusiasm for everything pixies, it would be quite odd if i said "our song" was "hey" by the pixies, as it is about whores and the many other harshly UN-romantical things that all pixies songs are about. so while that is the music we listen to (i suppose we are quite edgy like that;) that is of course not "our song." and with mention of this topic, wes INSISTS that our song is in fact "baby got back." there he goes again with the making me laugh thing. i can remember listening to our [mutually agreed upon] song with him the first few times. it never had meaning to me before wes.

here is our song:

"I Will Follow You Into The Dark"
by Death Cab for Cutie

"Love of mine
Someday you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light
Or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the "No"s
On their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In catholic school
As vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised
By a lady in black
And I held my tongue
As she told me, "Son,
Fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the "No"s
On their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me
Have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes
Are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
But it's nothing to cry about
Because we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the "No"s
On their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark "