thoughts on my recent struggles

for probably the past six months or so, i have been struggling with disordered eating in one capacity or another. not like i did years ago, but enough for the snowball effect to take place and the instability to cause a lot of uncomfortable things in my life despite my every effort to ward it off. as i have said before, i think this was entirely due to my former job at mcdonald's. although i loved it for what it was, i can't believe i actually allowed myself to stick with it after i had clear signs that it was making me sick again. i was to the point of having to stop working altogether. and, what is worse is that i believed it was something wrong with ME. and that i couldn't handle stress. i know that i can handle a great deal of stress, but not INHUMANE stress. the adjustment to the new job was very hard also, at a time when i was having difficulty even going out in public. yeah. that bad. but i think things happen for a reason.

i've settled into the new job quite nicely i think. i may be transferring to a different section of walmart but for the purposes of this entry, i am only now able to notice just how much better i am mentally and emotionally. still in the process of recooping lost progress, and still having issues with the disordered eating, but i'm in the swing of managing it. and i see how close i was to being ill again.

the point of this? i just have been introspective today about how much i love wes. he has been my hero, even when it has been unpleasant: leaving me notes in the mornings before i went to work (saying everything was going to be ok), letting me call him at work if i was upset, instituting a food routine and a sleep routine, and above all else making me laugh no matter what. i love him and he is my everything.

update: wes says he would much rather have his ranch dressing that i forgot to buy the other day when i went grocery shopping than a blog thanking him for loving me. :D

i'm glad to be closer to being on the right foot again.

brown alert..........?

as i was leaving wally world tonight a lady who looked very genuinely scared went behind the service desk and the managers were yelling to get her out of sight. there was a man after her, he had a gun in the parking lot and was after her (vaguely put, i know). it was some sort of domestic thing i believe. they announced a "brown alert" which means apparently a shooting "situation".........it was the real deal, too. not just an attention-seeking person or a very slight threat. i wasn't really scared, i was off work and went to the back of the store. but just makes a person stop and think.

thinking................

new job/horizons.....

i had a SUPERB day. i feel so victorious right now. i have been trying to get a job more suited to my personal makeup for nearly a year, and it has been difficult. as of late i have been struggling a lot. it's been the buildup from the current job at mcd's. my depression has been bothersome and of course i've been freaked out by the fact that i was struggling also.......which compounded the misery. and wes has been helping me in every little sweet way imaginable. he really is a godsend and he makes me laugh when things are bleak. i love him so much, and i know he loves me even in less than flattering times too. he really has pulled me through this, to the point that i shouldn't be taking credit at all.

so i've been apprehensive, more like TERRIFIED because walmart finally hired me and i haven't felt able to take on this challenge lately. well, after a few days of really trying and working on my stubborn mind, i got myself in decent shape for my first day and it went great. it was just orientation, but i feel so psyched about it that i can't wait to finish my 2 weeks at mcd's and power full steam ahead at walmart. i'm going to work both a little bit until next week.

i'm not going to be self conscious about projecting what the world may be thinking about/sneezing at my little conquest; i am warding off thinking that everyone might look down at me for celebrating this. or for working at walmart period. or for working at mcdonald's. but i don't care, i'm just so darn proud of myself and thankful to wes for helping me get into a positive mindset and get me in there so i could see how much better it is going to be. i went from being a career person and super duper college phenom to a clean slate (by choice) to trying to find a first job. i'm proud of that. then i kept it up when most people would have given up, and i think i let myself get close to being slightly sick again. now i have a boost of energy and positivity and i think it's going to help me. so i'm working on this new challenge even though it's harder for me right now than it normally would be. and i'm proud of that.

thanks out there to eveyone who has given me advice and comforting suggestions and reassurances this whole time.

going to keep putting one foot in front of the other. i'm grateful.

what a funny pic of an excited me.........

please pray for my friend.

i don't really know how to ask people to pray for someone, i barely know how to do it myself. but i have a friend who needs it.

her husband passed away this morning while she was at work (she is my coworker). he had been given 3 months to live (terminal cancer-he was about 45 years old and she is about 35), but it was a complete shock and the way it happened for her was horrible.

i am so devastated for her, and i'm still in shock. feel like i've been kicked in the gut. and i wish i had been, if it would take any small fraction of her pain away. she is with loved ones right now. i can only pray that she gets through this and can find some peace. i've been thinking today about the value of peace. please, anyone that reads this, think about peace in your life also. and tell your loved ones how much they mean to you.

why do i have so much trouble with ziploc bags?!?!?!

just wondering.

i came to the realization not long ago that i am severely deficient in my ability to "zip" ziploc bags. i don't know why. i guess i managed to avoid them for the most part until my current job (we have resealable tortillas in bags). i will stand and stare and struggle to zip a bag for what seems like 5 minutes before giving up. 9 times out of 10 i cannot do it.

i am clumsy, but i lack no more manual dexterity than the average-yet-clumsy person. and i definitely do understand the CONCEPT behind the ziplocs. certain hecklers (ahem....WES) like to suggest that i do not. i get it. i get that blue and yellow make green.

i'm carrying around a great deal of shame associated with this disability, and i'm only halfway joking. i am such a detail-oriented person that sometimes i get overwhelmed by things which are very simple to most people.

we'll just say i'm meticulous. we'll make it into something complimentary when it really isn't. when all is said and done, i cannot ziploc a ziploc bag.

healthiest versus unhealthiest restaurants

here are an interesting (and surprising) couple of articles:

america's top 10 (healthiest) chain restaurants:

http://health.msn.com/nutrition/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100235019&GT1=31036

and the 15 most unhealthy american restaurants:

http://health.msn.com/nutrition/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100235017&GT1=31036

it's shocking to read some of the calorie counts on the entrees at places like applebee's. also shocking to see that mcdonald's, taco bell, wendy's etc (who get such a bad rap!) are on the good list.

i am by no means a health nut, but eating THOUSANDS of calories in one entree or one shake or one appetizer is just plain ol' disturbing!

i'm really quite pro-fast food (like i always say, excess in moderation is a necessity for human beings) and i actually have to say i find it annoying when people blame fast food for all the evils of the world. if people are even a tiny bit as active as they should be, fast food won't hurt them.

anyway, i love food and restaurants and i thought these were interesting.....

it is national eating disorders awareness week....

this is an email i received nearly 3 years ago from the family members of someone i was hospitalized for a prolonged period of time with in 2005. i had only about 4 months of recovery at the time.



Laura ###### passed away 5/16/06‏

This is from Lar's Mom & Dad to let the folks within her e-mail address book know that she passed away from a massive heart attack this past Tuesday morning. As you know, Lar struggled with her eating disorder and it ultimately took her from us. Recently, she again lost weight and was about to give her two week notice at work, as her Mom was going to take Lar to our St. Clair farm for weight restoration this summer. Lar was looking forward to this.

We are told she did not suffer, that she was probably gone before she hit the ground. For that we are grateful.

Lar suffered enough the past six years and she is now with the Lord and at peace. Lar was committed in her faith and was not, at all afraid to die, in fact she knew and appreciated the thought of everlasting peace. She no longer is fighting the eating disorder (ED) demons.

This disease is still a mystery to many of us. I know that some of you receiving this knew Lar through this connection and to those of you that continue to fight ED, our thoughts and prayers go to you and your families. Never, ever down play the seriousness of ED. We wish each of you the best of luck, but it's not luck, but rather hard work, accountability and making the right choices to kill or control ED, and only you can do that.

Remember Lar and say a prayer for her. She was a very, very special person, friend and daughter. She will be missed, but she is in a place with eternal peace and happiness and no ED to be found. We both look forward to seeing her again some day and her beautiful smile.

Per Lar's wishes she was cremated. At this time there are no set plans for a memorial, perhaps sometime in the future.